Relaying from the article I posted earlier this is how that physical abuse affected me.
I started to become a very angry child, didn’t want anyone close to me, because every time I got close to someone, I lost them. At the same time, I started lashing out. It was like I was being bullied at home and started taking that out on others. Thinking back, I remember a girl that used to see some people I was close with. From what I was told, she was with my ex-boyfriend, so I lashed out at her. I called people all sorts of names, but the truth was that I had become insecure and lost. It wasn’t their fault. I would stand at the bus stop in the mornings, just causing trouble. As kids like that often do, I ended up with a few friends that you’d call “the wrong crowd”. We often disappeared, either going to other schools or just to areas far from home.
At the time I didn’t think anything of it, but looking back now I am ashamed of allowing myself to be that person and I was putting myself in vulnerable situations. I had a lot going on and didn’t have anything to help positively channel any hurt or anger. However, I do not condone my actions. I have apologised to some individuals recently, as it ate me up and I am genuinely sorry for any hurt or upset I caused to another. I believe that, in the majority of angry children, there is a trigger and I would encourage anyone to find the underlying issues. When I was growing up no one even asked me how I felt. I wasn’t given a chance at home or school and I became very isolated. I started drinking getting crates from the local residents that sold cheap beer and I’d go and sit in the valley with my friends after school, i felt a cool kid for a moment and it numbed what was going on.
When I was nearly 16, I started self-harming. I would scrape my knuckles down walls to make them bleed, or slice them with a razor it would give me a relief. This became more and more frequent as time went on. I also started to make myself sick after meals. This was kind of a coping mechanism for me, although I didn’t lash out at others as much, I now turned it around on me. Hurting myself gave me comfort and I thought maybe if I hurt myself, people may stop hurting me. My behaviour in school got worse, it was a cry for attention that was never noticed. I wasn’t very popular at school. I was known for the wrong reasons, people would get frustrated with me because I’d start throwing chairs, flipping tables and causing havoc. I remember in science I went in with my coat on and refused to go out, so all the class had to stand outside and I thrived off the attention that gave me, took me away from the home life for five minutes. The teachers hated me, I was lucky to sit in and finish just one lesson a day, as more often than not I’d find myself at the reception or hanging about in the near town centre.
After being between my mums and being out on the street because her boyfriend often kicked me out, I was then allowed to move back in with the man’s ex-partner at 16, I started to calm down, as she wanted me to do well and I wasn’t scared when I got home. At first, a lot of time was made for me from her and her new partner and I started to settle down, didn’t cut my knuckles as much and rather than being that angry child, I became somewhat of an introvert. I’d keep myself to myself. When someone said something to me, I’d get scared and would hide away. I didn’t want to get into trouble anymore and bit by bit I’d be allowed in classes again. It was the last year of school, so I didn’t leave myself much time, but I did manage to get myself grades in maths and English. I walked out of my science exam, it was too difficult and I hadn’t been in class properly for about three years. On top of that, I had tonsillitis for my pre-exams. They had scored me a 9 in football, which would boost my grade, they didn’t allow me to re-sit the others so I simply refused to do any of it.
I was so so happy that I came away with the grades I did get, as I managed to get on a college course that I wanted, so I had a sense of achievement. Now, I do wish I had knuckled down a bit more because I was more than capable of getting more and better grades. But I let circumstances control me at the time. As a child, there seemed no other way out and even when I tried to get out no one listened. But at the same time, lashing out at others didn’t get others to listen either. So I genuinely apologise to anyone that I may have upset. To anyone that went to school with me and will know how bad I got at times and I’m not proud of that. No, I don’t condone my behaviour, but I can say that I have definitely learned from my mistakes and am a better person for it.
For anyone who has been through similar or reacted in a similar way to I did because of circumstances, your past doesn’t define you and those wrongs can be put right. Will say this to anyone don’t allow a cruel world to change the good in you, and don’t let abusers change you that is how they win. Speak out if your suffering as being silent leads to a false sense of security and I have learned that the hard way. Also I always encourage to Bekind everyone is going through something be that person to make things easier for others not more difficult and remember to be kind to yourself also.
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